Taming of the Troll Shrew
Welcome to another adventure from the Thousand Acre Woods deep within Trollheim of the NJ Pine Belt! Tales Chronicled by Jonathan Hulton... That's me! In today’s tale, Angrboða has her 12th coming-out party—maybe she will find love this time. Nobody is holding their breath though... After reading our latest story, make sure to tell a friend, and check out our Trollheim books below!
"Well, hurry up Angrboda!" Yelled Gramps. "We are going to be late."
I watched Gramps grab a book on his way out of the door and saw him sit it in his favorite easy chair in the sun.
"I thought you were in a hurry?" I asked.
"Don't mind him," she said. "Even though Grandma has been gone for over four hundred years, he is still in the habit of reading a book to bide his time until she he was ready to leave."
"How does he know when to leave now?"
"Well he is getting older; in between last minute bathroom trips, his trick knee, a quick unforeseen nap, and a quick snack, he finally learned to balance out her false starts."
"He must of loved her."
"He used to joke he could never be sure, sInce he was hit on the head by Sjöfn's distaff. He used to carry on so much, that she just carried herself right out the door." Sjöfn is the Scandinavian love goddess.
"It was the first time she ever left on schedule," Gramps interjected.
"So what time are we really leaving?" I asked.
"After a cup of peppermint tea," Angrboda answered.
"Huh?"
"It only takes a few sips for him to pass out. That is when you slip his hand into a cold bowl of water, forcing him to wake up to head for the Crapper, and I will spray his knee down with olive oil as he goes by. He will be ready to leave with a krumkake (Norwegian cone cookie) in his mouth and my mother's foot up his arse"
"So?"
"About fifteen minutes."
We were heading to Angrboda's coming out party.
Her mother just threw up her hands, Angrboda insisted in wearing her usual orange jump suit, but her mother convinced her to wear a blue skirt.
Upon hearing the flush, Bjorn walked out of the house with Helgi carrying a couple of picnic baskets.
We were heading to the bonsai garden that Pops-Pop built.
That was where the various families waited with their suitable sons, knowing none of them would suit her. They all heard this suite before.
This was not her first coming out.
Gramps mentioned she will never be coming and Helgi should give up her plans to be a grandmother. Helgi smacked him.
Angrboda was far ahead of us, examining the newest additions to the buffet table. Little did the newest editions to the menu know that it was Lent.
She just loved the attention. After examining the latest victims, she about face and quick marched to her mother's picnic basket. The fattigmann and lefse was kulning her. She always fell for her mother's bribes to attend another coming out.
Before she could taste any of it, Sjöfn crowned her with her distaff.
One of the youngest suitors helped her up. Some say she fell in love with his smile, she would say it was the plate of fiskeboller (Norwegian fish balls).
Out of the corner of his eye, Gramps thought he saw his long lost wife round the corner of the howe out of sight, leaving her skillet on the tripod.
His nose led him to her pan and after a bite he fell in love again. Too bad when he followed her, she was gone.
I was checking in on Pop-Pops newest tree on the far side of the howe when she slipped me a letter for him with a single x.
The rune for love. Maybe he was not her x after all.
If you like this tale, hit the share button below or just even tell your friend the old fashion way, with your mouth. Come back next week for our next tale.
We are releasing two new Trollheim collections soon. The first is Trolling About Trollheim filled with the great tales from our Piney Trolls. The next to be followed during Yule at the end of January we will be releasing Gramps' recolections on ancient civilitaions and the dragons that filled their world called...Dragons in Trollheim. They will be available on this website at www.salemhousepress.com, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and your favorite bookseller. Just ask for them by name.. Pick up your copy today, pretty please with sugar on top...
For now you can buy their first collection:
Fiction/ Illustrated Fantasy/ Mythology / Scandinavian Myth/ Norse Sagas / Scandinavian Folk Lore / Coffee Table Book
Paperback: $45 | Hardcover: $65 | PDF eBook $5
Buy now link...
Following the Harry N. Abrams, Inc. tradition of the series that created Brian Froud's and Alan Lee's Faeries and Gnomes by Wil Huygen and Rien Poortvliet, we present you with what would have been the next book in the series: Trolls: A Compendium. Trolls—do you think you know what they are? Could you be wrong?
Trolls within Scandinavian lore, myth, saga, fantasy, and folktales are actually anything magical within our northern neighbor's culture. Richly illustrated in this volume are the tales of faeries, dwarves, nissen, huldras, gods, Jotuns, draugar, ghosts, and more. Also, this book introduces our readers to the world of Trollheim, populated by Nattrolls that escaped the 17th-century Swedish colony within the New Jersey Pine Barrens. Narrated by Christopher Jonathan Hulton, who lives in the Thousand Acre Woods just after the Civil War, their tales are filled with Native American lore and tales of their neighbor, the Jersey Devil.
Preview: Google Books
Hardcover: $65.00
PDF (non-flowable, best on tablet, desktop, or laptop) eBook: Download a copy onto your device today! Only $5.00
Share