Eat This
Welcome to another adventure from the Thousand Acre Woods. A place on the edge of Trollheim deep within the mysterious NJ Pine Belt! Tales Chronicled by Christopher Jonathan Hulton...That's me! Today's tale, Helgi challenges a powerful wizard to a pie eating contest.
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Now I am married to a man named Bjorn, which means bear in Norwegian; so that makes me the Momma Bear! Especially, when you mess with my daughter!
Now Gusir has played her several times this year; a few times Karl has saved her, but he hasn't been around all the time.
He is a powerful Finnish trolman who lives within the Forked River Mountains. Angrboða ventures through those woods to buy pigs to hunt truffles and to collect curly grass ferns to strengthen and to add luster to her horns. He is like a swarm of pine flies when you enter his territory.
I just finished baking a blueberry pie and I'm off to deal with the arse. I'm done with him trying to make a hinny out of her. Once in a while, you have got to put people in their place.
Now the art is, to do it without them knowing. Real mastery is revealed when you make them do it to themselves.
At the top of the Forked River Mountains, I manifested a fine cafe table set for two. I took the pie out of my grandmother's bag and rested it in the middle.
As quick as Mark Twain's wit, Gusir was asking to join me.
I nodded, and he took a seat.
He didn't wait for me before he dug in.
"One second there," I said, grabbing back the pie, "I challenge you to an eating contest. The battle of satiation has begun. It ends when you decide you're full and we both drink to the victor, and find out who is better…and who is not."
Gusir leaned back and rubbed his massive belly, and laughed. "OK, little woman," he chuckled. "I have only eaten three swine herds this morning and a bushel of truffles, so I have room for a mid-morning snack."
I would've suggested eating as much pork as he did, to make things fair, but my daughter would've never forgiven me. Angrboða just loves everything about them down to their curly little tails.
"So I propose that the loser concedes all the pigs within these mountains and promises to never return," I offered, looking at him sideways, leaning back in my chair.
"If you lose, your daughter will always be welcome," he sneered.
"It's so much fun tormenting her when she steps into my web, so willingly."
"Deal! Shall we begin?" I said, still leaning away from the table. Gusir was already hovering over his pie, sneering.
He didn't wait long enough to answer.
Five pies appeared and disappeared as quickly as I modestly wiped the corner of my lip and let out a small burp, and giggled.
His eyes widened above his pie and almost fell into the plate.
Then I flew through a hundred more. Struggling to keep up, Gusir matched me pie for pie.
Gusir was head down for a minute, and when he looked up, there was a new pile of three hundred more behind me. He dug in even faster and caught up. The next time he looked up, there were nine hundred more behind me.
He didn't realize I was related to the Jottun Logi who defeated Loki in an eating contest. Logi translates to the fire that burns through time. Logi ate the tables too in his contest with my great-great-grandfather Loki.
"Are you ready to give up?" I taunted him.
"Never, my fair little lady."
"OK, I need to loosen my belt to make more room." Then nine hundred squared empty pie plates stretched down to the bottom of the mountain stacked nine high.
Not to be out done, Gusir loosened his and smashed his face on the table before he was pulled under the by the shear force of all those pies dropping to his feet. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't budge.
The bag I carried the pie in was made by the same dwarf that made one for Utgard-Loki to carry his oxen in. As I ate them, I slipped all the pies into it, under the table, and stacked the empty plates behind me.
If you like this tale, hit the share button below or just even tell your friend the old fashion way, with your mouth. Come back next week for our next tale.
We are releasing our second collection of Trollheim stories in print, named Trolling About. It will be available on this website at www.salemhousepress.com and Barnes & Noble. Pick up your copy today, pretty please with sugar on top...
Make sure you pick up the first collection of tales too...
Fiction/ Illustrated Fantasy/ Mythology / Scandinavian Myth/ Norse Sagas / Scandinavian Folk Lore / Coffee Table Book
Paperback: $45 | Hardcover: $65 | PDF eBook $5
Buy now link...
Following the Harry N. Abrams, Inc. tradition of the series that created Brian Froud's and Alan Lee's Faeries and Gnomes by Wil Huygen and Rien Poortvliet, we present you with what would have been the next book in the series: Trolls: A Compendium. Trolls—do you think you know what they are? Could you be wrong?
Trolls within Scandinavian lore, myth, saga, fantasy, and folktales are actually anything magical within our northern neighbor's culture. Richly illustrated in this volume are the tales of faeries, dwarves, nissen, huldras, gods, Jotuns, draugar, ghosts, and more. Also, this book introduces our readers to the world of Trollheim, populated by Nattrolls that escaped the 17th-century Swedish colony within the New Jersey Pine Barrens. Narrated by Christopher Jonathan Hulton, who lives in the Thousand Acre Woods just after the Civil War, their tales are filled with Native American lore and tales of their neighbor, the Jersey Devil.
Preview: Google Books
Hardcover: $65.00
PDF (non-flowable, best on tablet, desktop, or laptop) eBook: Download a copy onto your device today! Only $5.00
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